Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
