My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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