i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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