I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
