K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it's like iHOP with fire
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
