Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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