i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
