i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
