if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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