I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
