My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
