You surviving the open bar?
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i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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