fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
