listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
