$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What a fucking waste of an outfit
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
