Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
