Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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