I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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