I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
