you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
