These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
