i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
