I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
