Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
