When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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