I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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