Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
