I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
