I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
