Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
