But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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