Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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