his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
