Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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