my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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