So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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