i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Vodka?
Forever.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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