i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
