Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
