So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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