And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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