I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
