The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
