Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
