When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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