Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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