My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
