woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
