oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
