Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
