Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
