Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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