They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
